3:29 a.m. 2006-01-24
The Bitch says: Letter To You.
It wasn�t your fault. Not in the least. You were as helpless as I was in stopping it. I don�t blame you, I could never blame you because it was as much your fault as it was mine, and it wasn�t my fault at all.... I haven�t told you about this, I�ve barely admitted it to myself.. After it happened, I pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to forget about it but now it haunts my dreams. I can�t sleep because of it, every time I try.. I see his face. I see him on top of me, I feel him inside of me. I remember waking up and looking at him and I remember his hand covering my mouth and pushing me into the couch and I remember blacking out and coming back, thinking that it was a dream but knowing that it wasn�t. I remember trying to scream and his hand tightening over my mouth as he moved faster, his other hand holding me in place... It wasn�t as if I could fight back anyway, I was too weak, too out of it.. My brain was foggy and my muscles felt like they had turned to mush... I remember him standing up when he was finished and walking to the bathroom and grabbing my pants, putting them back on and curling up in a ball on the couch, staring into space.. Unable to think or move... He came back into the room, looked at me for a moment, and then fell asleep on the other couch.. I laid there for a good 10 minutes, until I knew he was asleep, and then I ran into your room with tears streaming down my face and woke you up, demanding that we leave. I was in a daze the entire day and you kept asking me what was wrong and I refused to answer, I couldn�t answer. I still can�t answer you when you ask what was wrong with me that day... I think that you have a feeling but you�re afraid to admit it to yourself because it would mean that you failed to protect me, it would mean that you should have known because it was happening in the next room. But you didn�t and because you didn�t, you failed me, you let it happen... I don�t agree. Not at all. There was no way that you could�ve known.
I haven't been able to sleep lately... Nightmares of memories past have been keeping me awake. Every time I close my eyes, I see what happened... It's so vivid that I can feel it, it's like it's happening all over again... I woke up the other night out of breath and shaking and I started crying, what happened as fresh in my mind as it was the day that it happened.
